Almost weekly I get an inbox message from friends checking in on me to see how
I'm doing. I figured that it would be easier if I just gave everyone an update
here on my blog because more times than not, the same question is asked. "When
are you and Demetrius going to try to have another baby?" Since writing in my
blog in the past helped tremendously with my grieving process, I thought hell
"why not give everyone an update?"
Demetrius and I discussed future
children right after giving birth to Adelyn and decided that we would try to
have another baby down the road. We decided that after our 2 year wedding
anniversary (October 16) is when we would try again. Our anniversary came and
went and then out of the blue, I unexpectedly gained 15lbs in November. When I
say unexpectedly, I mean in the matter of two weeks. I didn’t change my diet and
I was running a lot in preparation of my upcoming December physical fitness
test. I honestly didn’t know what was going on and decided to take a trip to the
doctor.
A week later my blood work came in and I was diagnosed with an
underactive thyroid. More than likely it was caused from the birth of Adelyn and
its called post-partum thyroiditis. Normal ranges between 1-4 and mine was at
17. I really didn’t know much about the thyroid so of course I researched it
immediately. My doctor started me on synthroid the week before Christmas in
hopes to get it under control and sent me downtown to an experienced
endocrinologist.
I anxiously awaited my appointment that was scheduled
for 29 January in hopes that we would have answers. There is always the question
"what is your main reason for being here today?" on the intake form, so I of
course let the endocrinologist know that I wanted to get my thyroid levels under
control so my husband and I can have a baby. He thought it would be best to
increase my dosage of synthroid since the baby relies on mine during the first
trimester. He instructed me to wait until our next appointment (end of March) to
start trying again. I let him know that we did try this month and he said that
"more than likely I wouldn’t get pregnant with levels like mine anyway".
Of course I was disappointed with the news since we want a baby right
away, but I knew I had to follow doctor's orders. We didn’t want to experience
another loss and more than likely that’s what would happen if I were to get
pregnant with thyroid levels that high. So fast forward two weeks later and I
find out that "WE'RE PREGNANT"! I can't believe it! My excitement is
automatically replaced with fear though. I now knew what the probability of
having a viable pregnancy was after meeting with the doctor and right from the
beginning I didn’t have a good feeling about this pregnancy.
I was
already scheduled for a pre-conception appointment with my OBGYN before we found
out that I was pregnant again, so I met with him the day after we found out
about the pregnancy. Since our previous loss was so tragic the doctor asked if
we would like to have some early scans done so of course we said yes. The
following week at only 5 weeks pregnant we went in for an ultrasound. The
ultrasound technician was only able to locate the gestational sac and stated
that "it's early so come back next week and we should see something".
I
was a nervous wreck all week so when the day came for our 6 week scan, I was
ready. Unfortunately we got the same news. The gestational sac was there and
grew but nothing else. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t going to be a viable
pregnancy. I was actually prepared for this news because a mothers instinct is
real. My husband was trying to stay positive the whole week leading up to this
appointment, but I already knew what the outcome was going to be.
We
ended up doing another ultrasound at 9 weeks because I requested it. Even though
I couldn’t change the outcome I just wanted to see it once more before I made
any decision. I ended up having to have a D and C since my body wasn’t
recognizing that no baby was there. I also couldn’t bare to go on "pregnant" any
longer. That was a very hard day for sure and without my husband, I don’t know
what I would have done.
So here we are today. I'm awaiting a few test
results and then we will decide what to do from here. I don't know if some of
you are wondering "why is she sharing this?" but I really like telling my story.
Pregnancy loss is not something that is talked about often because it's
extremely difficult. When depression set in after losing our Angel, I turned to
the blogs of strangers and it gave me so much comfort knowing that I wasn’t
alone. If my story just touches one person, then it's worth sharing.
By
no means am I glad that this has happened to us and if I could change it all, I
would. However I am glad and thankful for everything that I have learned from
this experience. I know that when we do get our blessing, it will mean that much
more to us . I would be lying to say that I didn’t get annoyed hearing others
complain about their pregnancy/children. Do you know how many women would love
to have morning sickness? Back pain? Swollen feet? Weight gain? A crying child?
I know that I sure would and I guarantee you won't hear me complain about it.
I'm not mad that others do this by any means. I just wish that everyone realized
how special becoming a mother really is because not everyone has that
opportunity.
If you have made it to the end, I applaud you. I don’t
write for pity, really I don’t need it. I just want to give answers to the ones
who love us and wish us well since it does get hard when people ask, "are you
pregnant yet?" Hopefully the next blog entry that is made will be about our
rainbow baby that is on the way. I love you all and thanks for keeping my family
in your prayers.
