Day 31: Opening Up

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

Yes actually I do believe that the last 31 days have opened me up more about AJ. Any day that I get to talk about Adelyn is a good day and I'm glad that I did this "challenge". I want to thank all of you for reading my blog entry's and keeping up with Adelyn's story this month. I love each and everyone of you and again, thank you.

Day 29: Seeing Each Other Again

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

I really feel as if I will get to see Adelyn again one day. I believe in life after death for sure and know that she is waiting on me to meet her. My husband and I are currently reading a book about a little boy who went to heaven. I have found extreme comfort in reading it. I especially like the part in the story where the 4 year old boy who says that he met his sister who was lost in a miscarriage prior to his birth. I believe that I will see my daughter again in Heaven. Until then I will just wait for her to come to me in a dream.

Day 28: Correcting

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

 
No I don't wish that I corrected anyone just yet. Some incidents have occurred to where I had to "correct" others, but I had no problem doing so:) Adelyn is my daughter and I won't let anyone tell me anything different.

Day 27: A Picture

Day 27: Share a picture/s.



forever our daughter in Heaven

our Angel

so much love in Daddy's eyes

long arms and legs; just like Daddy

 

Day 26: Rating Today

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Today is a good day. I woke up this morning next to my loving husband and an Angel in Heaven. Whats not to smile about? I thank God for giving me another day.

Day 25: Handling Hard Days

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

Adelyn's due date is the only day that has passed since giving birth and I think I handled it pretty well. It was nice to have others acknowledge my original due date and made this difficult day a little less painful. I think that I am handling the ongoing days because I like to talk about her. I believe that talking about Adelyn has made me handle this situation the best that I can. I plan on continuing to tell her story to others, because I have received so many emails about how telling my story has truly helped them and that makes it all worth it.

Day 24: Preperation

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

When Adelyn's original due date passed I definitely prepared myself for all of the emotions that I knew would arise. I'm also positive that I will prepare when her birth/death day approaches. I definitely want to remember and honor AJ in anyway  possible and plan on doing so. I have looked up ideas from other mothers who have lost a child and plan on stealing some of the things that they do to remember their children; I will be prepared :)

Day 23: Anything Different

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

I probably wouldn't have worked out to be honest. I know that people run marathons pregnant, but I wish that I didn't run/jog while pregnant. Even though the doctor gave me permission to run and that running had nothing to do with Adelyn dying; I still think that it would make me feel better.

Day 22: Song

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child?

 

Yes, precious child by Karen Taylor Good. It's a very beautiful song and gives me so much hope for the future. Click the link below to listen and tell me what you think? I am in love with this song.

 

 >> Precious Child (Karen Taylor Good) <<

 

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Day 21: Smiling

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Everything about Adelyn brings a smile to my face. She is an innocent baby so how could you not smile when thinking of someone who is absolutely perfect? Not only is she absolutely perfect, but my husband and I created her, making it even better. I love talking about Adelyn because it does make me smile. I love saying her name because she is my daughter, my frist born and my Angel.

Day 20: Anger

Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?

I would be lying if I said that I had absolutely no anger, because that's just not the case. Most days are good for me, but I have my moments and get angry. I am just mostly angry about the entire situation. I see people all of the time having healthy babies and just wish that Adelyn could have lived on earth with us. When my sister told me that she was pregnant just 6 weeks after Adelyn died, I was angry. I wasn't angry at the fact that she was pregnant, I was angry at the fact that I wasn't and still should have been. There have been many times where I questioned why this had to happen and that makes me angry as well. Like I said before, most days are good. I still do have my moments though.

Day 19: Happiest Memory

Day 19:  What is your happiest memory of your child?

My happiest memory of Adelyn was actually the last time that I felt her move. The last time that I felt Adelyn move was the first time that her daddy was able to feel her move. I will forever cherish that moment. I am so glad that Demetrius got to feel her, even if it was just that once.

Day 18: Peace

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Blogging has definitely been the one thing that has brought me some sort of peace. Getting to talk about AJ with friends/family has really helped me in this healing process and I want to continue talking about her for as long as you all will listen. I previously wrote about how much blogging has helped me so I wont go into it again.

Day 17: Watching Over You

Day 17: Do you feel as if your child is watching over you?

Yes, I really do think that she is watching over me for sure. I get so many reminders on a daily basis and I just smile because I know that she is with me. For example, I was getting my hair cut just two days ago  (on infant loss awareness day) when a song came on that plays on her ultrasound video and it brought a tear to my eye. The song is by Queen--You're my best friend and that's just not a song you hear everyday. Listen to the song here
The only thing that I wish would happen soon is to dream about her. It has been 4 months since Adelyn went to play in the clouds and I have yet to have a dream about her. I go to bed almost every night and hope that I get to see her in my dreams. I friend told me that Adelyn is just looking out for me because I'm not ready to see her yet. I thought about this and have come to the conclusion that she is probably right. Even though I feel ready to dream about her, my Angel knows best. I seriously can't wait to see her in my dreams though and I will make sure everyone gets to hear about it.

Day 16: Time

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

I quit my second job just three days before I found out that Adelyn died and also graduated from college in the same month, so time isn't an issue anymore. I take time for myself for sure. I scrapbook, blog, take pictures, and dine out as often as possible. I love vacationing with Adelyns daddy as much as possible too. Today is actually our 2 year anniversary and we're off to Mexico in a few hours. I know how important time is and value it very much.

Day 15: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing?

 
I just got back from the ceremony that was put together by the hospital where Adelyn was delivered and I must say, it was amazing and I'm so glad that we went. It's extremely comforting being surrounded by people who have been through the exact things that we're going through. Beautiful music and even more beautiful stories really made this hard day a special one. Check out a short clip on what Adams Garden is and why it was created. Adams Garden--Brandon Regional. The footage from today's ceremony will be sent to me in a few months and I will share it all with you at that time. Until that video arrives, here are some pictures from tonight's ceremony. God bless all of you Angel mommys and your Angel babies.

 
The lighting of the candles and the moment of silence was my favorite part of the ceremony.

 

Day 14: Making and Preserving Memories

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

A few things have been done so far to preserve my Angels memory. There is a memorial for the preborn, infants & children at my MILs church, Christ the King. My MIL got Adelyns name added to the tree of life, on a leaf. We can go visit her as often as we would like. They have benches where you can sit and talk to all of the babies that were lost. Those benches were actually donated by the funeral home who put together Adelyns service. I thought that was pretty ironic.

There is another memorial at the hospital where I delivered Adelyn and will be visiting her tomorrow on pregnancy loss awareness day. I will share with you about that memorial tomorrow. Those are the few things that have been done so far to keep Adelyns memory alive. I am sure that there will be more to come.

Day 13: Speaking of Adelyn

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?

Many of my friends/family speak of Adelyn and I really love it when they do. It does help speaking about her often, so I encourage it. I have a co-worker that I absolutely love for this reason alone. She likes to start conversations about my daughter and it makes going to work even better. If you ever want to know anything about Adelyn or this situation, please ask. I really want to talk about it and maybe it will be beneficial to you down the road.

Day 12: Family

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

My family is awesome and I am very thankful for them all. When my family heard about Adelyn's passing, they were here in mere hours to be by my side at this most difficult time. I will always remember that and love them for it. My family hurts for me, I know they do. I sometimes think its harder on my family because they just are helpless and don't know what to do or say. I completely understand that because I don't know what I would do if the situation were reversed. I love my family and thank all of you for being there for us. Even though nobody got to know Adelyn, she was still loved. It was obvious on the day of her funeral that she was extremely loved and will be missed.

For all of you who sent flowers, baskets, and cards....THANK YOU. I wish there was a way to thank each of you personally, but how do you write a thank you card for something like that? Just know they were very much appreciated and showed me just how much all of you care about my family. I love you.

Day 11: Grief, Different?

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Yes, I believe that Demetrius and I have grieved differently for sure. I cried everyday for six weeks and Demetrius didn't. I wanted to talk about it to everyone and Demetrius didn't. I know that grief hits everyone differently and it is no exception for us. I don't think that there is a "right way" to grieve so how we are both handling it-isn't wrong. One thing for sure that we both agreed on doing was going to talk to a professional bereavement counselor. It has been beneficial so far and I believe that it can only get better. Not only is it helping us get through this difficult time but she is helping us bring out things that we didn't even know were there. I am extremely grateful for all of the other women who have lost a child reaching out and telling their stories. If it weren't for them then I would have never even considered going to speak to someone, but I am really glad that we are.

Day 10: Rainbows

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

Demetrius and I don't have our rainbow baby yet (we will try again when the time is right), but they will know who Adelyn Jade is and I am sure that they will love her just as much as Demetrius and I do. Having our future children know exactly who their big sister is, is extremely important to me. I want everyone to remember her and celebrate the short live that she lived. I used to think of everyday after she died as one day further away from the last time we held her, but now I am able to think of it as each day being one day closer to holding her again in Heaven.

I know that our rainbow will come

Day 9: Affected Relationship

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Since Adelyn is our first and only child, I can only tell you about how losing her has affected my relationship with Demetrius. I think that a situation like this can have either two outcomes. Either you get more connected with your partner or simply fall apart. I don’t know if there is an in between. I feel blessed that our relationship has gotten stronger since all of this has happened. I would never wish something like this on anyone, but I’m happy that my marriage is stronger than ever because of it.

Like I have said before, Demetrius has been my rock throughout this entire experience and couldn’t imagine ever having to go through this alone. I love him deeply and know that I am blessed to be able to call him my husband.

 

Day 8: Good or Bad

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

As of today, I feel as if I have more good days than bad. For the first 6 weeks after having Adelyn, it was extremely rough. I didn't want to get out of bed most days and I cried more than anybody should ever cry in their lifetime. When I went back to work is when more happy days came. It was so nice getting to talk about Adelyn to everyone and it really helped with the grieving process. My blog has also helped with having more happy days. I love opening up about her and really appreciate the positive feedback that I have been receiving. Originally my blog was just going to be about things that I wanted/desired and scarp booking, but it now revolves around my life and everything that is involved with it. I truly love my life and appreciate what God has given me.

Day 7: Honoring AJ

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?

Since we just lost AJ 3 months ago, we haven't came up with how we will honor her just yet. I know that October 15 (its pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) will be a special day, but that's all I know as of today. I am sure that we will visit her every birthday and remember her original due date but that's all I know as of now. She is within my heart on a daily basis and she will be honored always.

Day 6: How Many Children

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

I have one child. When people ask this question, its really easy for me to say one. I know that some people get uncomfortable, but it is what it is. I have one daughter and her name is Adelyn Jade Hilmes. I love you baby girl.

Day 5: Reminders

Day 5: Are there things that remind you of your Angel? If so, what are they?

There are a few things that remind me of Adelyn. Her nursery is one of those things for sure. I leave the door open sometimes just so I can see how beautiful it is. I love her nursery so much and hope to share it with her future brother/sister. ( I will change the coral if we have a boy, dont worry :)

 
Chevron pattern reminds me of AJ as well. I really got into liking this pattern while pregnant and based her nursery around this print. I love it.

Coral and teal remind me of her as well. I wore this color a lot while I was pregnant. This chevron sock monkey reminds me of Adelyn as well. My sister Amanda bought this for me in the hospital and I have slept with it every night since her birth; I love it. The monkeys name is socks and her birthday is actually our anniversary date ( I thought that was ironic).



The song baby love by Diana Ross also reminds me of her. That song was playing in her 4d ultrasound video so it just kind of stuck.

AJs strong heart beat just two weeks prior to giving birth (4D ultrasound)



Day 4: What's Kept You Going?

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Many things have kept me going throughout this difficult time and I'm thankful for every single one of them. For starters, being a wife has kept me going for sure. I have to be there for him just as he has been for me, because he is grieving as well. Demetrius may not express his hurt the way I do (everyone grieves differently) but I know he hurts and I need to be there when he needs me the most.

My friends and family are also what keeps me going. Each and everyone of you have been so supportive and that alone is motivation to make it through. I love you all and appreciate your words of encouragement so very much. Another thing that has kept me going is by writing this blog. I feel as if I can express how I am feeling more easily and it helps to just get it all out there. Just knowing that one baby's life was saved by simply sharing my story has definitely motivated me to share more. I don't know where I got enough strength to write a blog post just two days after I gave birth to Adelyn, but I am so glad that I did because a life was saved. My baby Angel is simply amazing.

Adelyn is another motivating factor that has kept me going as well. I feel as if she is watching over me and I just don't want to disappoint her. I have to keep going because I know that she wants to see her mommy happy and to live a fulfilling life with her in my heart. I love you AJ.

Day 3: Your Rock

Day 3: Who has been your "rock" through this whole experience?

 
God has definitely been my hope through all of this darkness, that's for sure. I have to be honest though, at first I was mad at God. I questioned his plan and wondered why me? I couldn't understand why this had to happen to us? "How could you?" "We don't deserve this!" Those were the thoughts that ran through my mind for weeks following her death. Those feelings quickly left as I realized that this was given to us because we're strong enough to handle it. I no longer question God and his doings because I know he has a plan for us. Through this entire experience, I have become more connected with God and I am very thankful for that.

 

With that being said, God has truly blessed me with an amazing man who has definitely been my rock. I honestly don't think that I could have ever made it through this without my husband Demetrius. He loves Adelyn just as much as I do and is the only other person in this world to know what it felt like to lose Adelyn as their daughter. Loving Demetrius has always been easy and this obstacle has made it even easier. I feel as if we are marked official and he will forever be my husband. He is the father of my first born and nobody can ever take that away from me. Demetrius, thank you. Thank you for always taking care of me and supporting all of my decisions, even when they may not be the right ones. Becoming your wife was the wisest decision I could have ever made. You're rare, amazing, kind, and humble. I love you today, tomorrow, and always. Thank you for giving me the blessing to be a mother to our precious Adelyn, I will forever love you for that. Thank  you!

Every morning I wake up and see,
The most handsome man lying next to me.
He's the one I cherish and love,
A blessing sent from Heaven above.
I will love him as a faithful wife should,
And do everything for him I could.
I would let him know everyday,
That I love him more than words can say.
For the one child we have together,
And the love for God in each other.
It will keep our love for each other strong,
And the Lord will guide us away from all wrong.

(Jessica Newsome)

 

 

Day 2: Your Children

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

 
My daughter Adelyn Jade was born June 13, 2012 @7:47pm; she weighed 1lb 12oz and was almost 15” long. She had a nose just like her Mommy and eyebrows just like her Daddy. Even though I am unable to tell you about her favorite color or favorite song, I can tell you one thing for sure; Adelyn was very much loved and wanted.  Being able to carry her and get to know her for those 8 months will be moments that I cherish forever. AJ taught us more in her short life than I have learned in my entire 26 years. I am so blessed to be her Mommy and can’t wait to meet her in heaven.

Day 1: Who Are You?

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

 

If you're reading my blog then you probably have a good idea already of who I am. My name is Dallas Lynn Hilmes; a 26 year old wife, daughter, sister, friend, and mother. I am a face of loss and love sharing my story to those who care to listen. In March 2006 I made an awesome decision and joined the United States Air Force; I truly enjoy serving our country and plan on making this my career. The Air Force decided that my first duty station would be Tampa, Florida and I thank God for that every day. I started working at Carrabba’s just 5 months after I arrived and that is where I met the most awesome man that I now call my husband.

 

I first laid eyes on Demetrius while I was still in “training” at Carrabba’s and I asked my trainer right away, “is he married?” When he told me that Demetrius was single, my next question was “is he gay?” (Demetrius and I still laugh about that to this day).  I just couldn’t understand how somebody so hot, childless, and educated could be single? Fast forward almost 6 years and we are truly living in a dream. Marriage is one of the best decisions that I have ever made and I love my husband deeply. I'm one lucky girl to have him and only hope that everyone will get to experience this kind of love in their lifetime.
 

Demetrius and I have always wanted to have a family and after 2 months of trying to conceive, we were pregnant with our first baby. I can’t even begin to explain how excited we were to know that we would be parents in just 9 months. Unfortunately our happiness was cut short when we discovered that we lost our Angel 7 months into the pregnancy. That day will forever remain in my heart and she will never be forgotten. We lost Adelyn Jade a little over 3 months ago and are continuing to pick up the pieces from our broken hearts daily.